Last night, I was broken and hurting and felt so very alone. 

 

I’ve had many of those points in my life, and the number somehow seems to always be increasing instead of decreasing.

 

I’d say that I’m resilient… I have survived a lot more than I should have in one lifetime, but at what cost? Have I survived only to end up in this place once again, wondering if my life will ever be “good”?

 

I see God. I know Him. But when I find myself stuck in a pit of despair and depression, I wonder if my Christianity is at stake. I wonder how absolutely I love Him and trust Him if I falter in joy or doubt in His promises. 

 

Over the past few years, God has stored up many promises within me for the immediate season ahead. I know them. I believe them. But I see no end to the trauma— I see no peace or resolution or repentance around me— and wonder how THIS desert could become THAT land of milk and honey. 

 

Instead of being able to turn to God for help, love, and encouragement, I convince myself in shame that I am a failure… I am a sham. 

 

How can I love God and serve Him, but not be willing to wait for what He says will come to be? How can I trust Him with most of my life but not this one part?

 

Who am I to dedicate my life to Him, but then to also dedicate myself to fear and worry and disbelief in His promises?

 

But the truth is… I’m not a sham. I’m not a fake. I’m not a sell out, nor is my faith compromised. I am a human. I am flesh. I am imperfect. And the universal truth is that you are too. 

 

You are not less for doubting. You are not a fake for hurting: your Christianity isn’t in jeopardy for suffering, and not finding joy in it. God is not ashamed of you in your depression. And He never will be. 

 

Right now, I don’t see an end. Not to my depression, nor to my situation. I simply don’t see it. Right now, I have trouble believing it. Life and love and joy are not materializing around me, and people aren’t changing, and situations aren’t being laid to rest. 

 

I have been so afraid to look at it, for fear of what shame it might bear… or for what people might say about my faith, but I am choosing today to not be ashamed anymore, because my Jesus is not ashamed of me. 

 

Right now, I don’t see an end. Right now, I don’t see the consummation of anything God has promised me. But right now, that’s ok. 

 

Right now, I struggle to believe in some of God’s promises, which is ok, because right now I honestly believe that He is The Promise Keeper. 

 

I don’t have to see, I don’t have to know, and most importantly, I don’t have to be ashamed for either of those things… because ultimately, I know that, even if in my hurt I struggle to believe the promises that have been made, God is still God whether I doubt or despair or dwindle in faith or hope. And I know that He is my Promise Keeper. 

 

And right now, I don’t need to believe in His promises if I can just believe that He is my Promise Keeper. 

 

My faith will come, my depression will leave, and I’ll be able to see and believe fully once more. 

 

But as for today, I will stand in Him— recognizing who He is and recognizing that He loves me until the very end. 

 

Jesus, you are my Promise Keeper.